Love, like charity, begins at home
By Barbara Brennan

Why do some people watch carefully what they eat and drink, work out regularly and generally take good care of their health while others have an uncontrolled affection for sugar or junk food and little or no regard for personal wellbeing?
 
It isn’t all about upbringing; such opposites are often found among siblings. It’s primarily a case of self-love or the absence of it.
 
And you don’t have to be a junk food addict to illustrate a lack of self-regard. There are many who might consider themselves examples of moderation but struggle all their lives with cravings, self-deprecation or a negative outlook.
 
Self-love is at the core of all healing. Yet it is undoubtedly the most difficult form of love to achieve. Why should that be?  Why should all of us not normally like ourselves, enjoy our bodies and put the necessary effort into being fit and healthy?
 
It all relates back to childhood wounds and how we came to regard ourselves when our needs were not met.  These wounds – they are many and varied – are inescapable, no matter how aware our parents may be.
 
If an infant does not receive the love and attention it needs – or perceives it does not – it doesn’t blame the mother or father. Instead, the child believes that it must be unlovable or unworthy. It has no other way of understanding this deprivation.
 
Such beliefs or self-images are wired into our brains by the age of three and remain with us, a part of our consciousness that never matures without a lot of personal work. So not only do we find it difficult to love ourselves, we can actively dislike or reject ourselves and, sadly, often indulge in self-hatred.
 
These are bitter, tortured places, filled with so much pain that they cast a giant shadow over our daily lives, our hopes and aspirations for the future and our physical, mental and emotional health.
 
The severity of these wounds and the recurring problems they generate throughout our lives not only stifle our creativity and intentionality, but open us to chronic illness – reasons why so much emphasis is placed these days on healing the inner child. 
 
An inability to love ourselves, to claim our power and the right to have our needs met, is not restricted to a disregard for our physical bodies.
 
For many people, the journey back into the wound is simply too frightening and formidable. They continually seek ways to protect themselves from going there and avoid acknowledging even the existence of any wound. Some undertake what we call a spiritual by-pass, apparently rising above all the necessary inner work to claim the higher realms.
 
Many deny their own needs by devoting themselves almost entirely to the needs of others, becoming caretakers.  There is a misconception in our society that selflessness is entirely an admirable quality, at least in the popular understanding of the word.  A selfless person is seen as always putting the needs of others before their own and therefore possessing almost saint-like attributes.
 
Those who cannot feel genuine love for themselves and ensure that their needs are met, cannot find real fulfillment. They sell themselves short, give themselves away – whatever expression you care to use – countless times daily.
 
It has been said by enlightened spiritual teachers as well as psychologists that a little selfishness is very good for the soul.   Indeed, self-love is essential in our quest for wholeness. To achieve it fully is a sign of wholeness.  It is the foundation stone for a happy and contented life.  Without it, we will never truly feel well.
 
To understand this, we must challenge the widespread belief that will is the creative force in the universe.  Will, in fact, is not a force at all, but the template of divine precision.  Will is the perfect pattern through which the creative force of the universe flows.  That creative force is love. 
 
Of its own accord, love up-wells from deep within us every moment of our lives.  It must flow through all aspects of our being if it is to create wholeness within ourselves and all else. 
 
The problem is we believe that we don’t have love or don’t have the right kind of love and are incapable of loving.  Thus we interfere with the creative process of love that flows through us.  We just don’t know we are doing it.  We either divert it in some way or stop its flow completely.  Once we understand and are willing to try living by this fact, we can take the next step to achieve self-love.
 
That step is the deep work on early childhood wounding.  Going into the wound and experiencing it not only releases the pain, but also frees your original creative intention and energy: the creative energy of love then enters your body and helps you redirect your life in the ways you wish to live it.  In doing this you automatically release self-love.
 
Another requirement is a conscious effort to replace your habit of self-rejection with a positive acceptance.  You can start by spending 15 minutes each morning and evening practicing feeling your love for something that is easy – a pet, a child – and then expanding that love to include yourself.  Or just do it all day long whenever you think of it.  Notice when you are mean to yourself.  Replace it with kindness.  Tell that inner negative voice that what it just said is not true about you.  (It usually isn’t!)  See, feel and know yourself as full of love. 
 
Appreciating ourselves in all the glory of who we truly are is a long road, but these exercises can help you create a new beginning in a life full of new beginnings.